Starting out, math always seems like fun and games. “Just try it. If you don’t like it you can quit.” But math abuse has dangerous consequences:
- Math damages the brain’s social communication cortex.
- Math causes failing eyesight, hair loss, and metabolic changes- both corpulence and cachexia are associated.
- Math addiction destroys relationships through loss of libido, isolationism and anti-social behavior.
- Math addiction has been fatal in 100% of lifetime users.
The facts:
- By the time they reach the tenth grade, hal f of US teens have tried math themselves. Fully 75% know someone who does math at least once a week.
- “Sure I tried a little trig in High School, everyone was doing it. It wasn’t until college that I really got hooked on the hard stuff.” – Mary H. (recovering math addict)
- In most US colleges, math is freely available to those who seek it out.
- “I ran a math lab out of my dad’s garage. I wouldn’t have gotten busted except I let math junkies hang around and the neighbors complained.” – Charles B. (8 years, Jackson State Prison)
- Highly-addicted math-using teens are known to seek out ‘math bowls’, where they compete to see who can use the most math. Math-addicted adults are known to video tape these occasions and upload them so other adult users can take pleasure from this deplorable debacle.
“I got my hands on some extreme Goldbach, and G was hard to find at any price. Anyhow, I crashed the car into a tree, too zoned out to even know or care. That’s how mom found out I wasn’t the sweet and innocent little girl she thought I was.” – Jenny M. – (rehab patient x 3) [editor's note, 'G' refers to Goldbach's conjecture: a dangerously powerful imported math]
Tell-Tale Signs Your Kid is on Math
The 7 warning signs of math addiction in young people
- Shakes uncontrollably in the presence of the opposite sex.
- Sequesters him/herself for long periods, alone, ‘studying’.
- Has multiple library cards and deletes browsing history on home computer.
- Keeps a stash (often under a mattress) of homework.
- Seems distracted and avoids social functions.
- Doesn’t seem to enjoy outdoor activities.
- Refuses to watch sports on TV.
“I run a computer store at the mall. You could always tell the math-heads. They wanted lots of RAM and storage, but they didn’t care about graphics cards or joysticks. I refused to sell any ‘hotshots’ [editor's note, hotshots are slang for pirated Algol scripts on CD], and if they asked, I kicked them out.” – Bennie R. (owner, Rocket Computers)
Is Your Spouse on Math?
“He seemed so distant. Our love life was on the rocks and he didn’t seem to notice. I thought it might be another woman, until I found a treatise on topological morphism under the seat of his car. Things are better now, after the divorce, but I still worry about him.” – Marion R. (husband’s whereabouts unknown)
“We went to Amsterdam for her aunt’s wedding. That stuff is legal over there. She must have made some sort of connection, because she spent her days doing math with a guy on the Internet. The only thing I can do is keep hoping. Hoping the therapy takes this time. I can’t trust her. (weeps)” – Name witheld by request.
Treatment Options: Q & A with a Holistic Math Therapist
Doctor (not medical, but as he says, “…perfectly legitimate.” ) Jay Martin treats math addicts with controversial intervention techniques of his own design.
Q: Is math addiction treatable? And if so, how?
A: I use the A&W method. It’s harsh, but the idea is to get them out of the clouds, get them grounded as soon as possible and get them in touch with a larger reality.
Q: A&W?
A: Yes. Cheap beer and prostitutes. Well, it came to be called alcohol and whores- A&W.
Q: And you confine your patients in a motel room for the course of the treatment?
A: I get legal documents. Power of attorney and so on. I haven’t yet been successfully prosecuted in this state.
Q: I see. And what is your success rate?
A: It’s a tough business, success rates aren’t really a good metric. People pay me. That’s a good measurement.
This Public Service Announcement brought to you and written by Bill Morrison – freelance writing professional and loving parent of math-addicted daughter, Pookie J, (pictured above)
{ 1 comment… read it below or add one }
My mother accused me of being a math addict once. Once!