Oops! You’re caught shoplifting from the grocery store. The following items are in your possession when you are arrested:
- a pregnancy test,
- a bottle of cheap wine,
- a rib eye steak, and
- a vegetarian pizza.
There’s no arguing or pleading your way out of this with the police, but you get a feeling they appreciate your style, and might let you go if they like you enough. You’ve always wanted to be a stand-up comic. This could be your big chance!
They hand the right opening to you by asking why you stole the conflicting items in your possession. Make it good, or your next portrait will have numbers in it!
Give us your best monologue in the comments box below.
{ 8 comments… read them below or add one }
Well, when my husband sees the results of this pregnancy test, he might need to get good and drunk and have a pizza. The steak is for the black eye he’ll give the dude who stole my purse!
You know, it may seem strange, but my wife and I are trying to conceive a child. So I had to get a test. And if we “fail” we are going to try again. But those things can’t be forced, so I had to get some cheap wine to set the mood. And I’ll be cooking dinner, of course. And that also poses a problem for me, because my wife is, well, she’s schizophrenic. There are days where she absolutely loves steak, and others where she won’t even dream of eating some poor defenseless animal.
Look, I know you probably don’t believe me. I admit, it’s a complex tale, and I’m fairly ashamed of it. That’s why I stole the items. I couldn’t bear the condescending looks from the cashier!
Well, since I had a hysterectomy and my hubbie had a vasectomy, it would be downright silly to steal the pregnancy test. I just cooked steak last night, so that doesn’t sound appetizing. The vegetarian pizza IMHO doesn’t sound too appetizing, either, so I’d be caught red-handed with the bottle of cheap wine…a trip down memory lane to my high school days!
Hormones, it’s the answer to everything.
With the morning sickness I never know what I can eat. The wine? Oh that’s for my husband so I won’t have to get a “headache” tonight.
This is part of my job interview as secretary for the Chief of Police who is outside waiting on his motorcycle. He needs the pregnancy test for the current secretary, the steak is for the black eye his wife will give him if it’s positive, the pizza is his dinner tonight and the wine I’m supposed to give to you so keep your mouths shut.
The pregnancy test is for my girlfriend and if she isn’t pregnant the wine and steak are for us to celebrate with. If she is pregnant the pizza is for her, and the wine and steak is for her to serve to her new boyfriend because I will be on the run two states over with a fake name.
Well officers, I had been shopping with my husband and he happened to ask what the vegetarian pizza was for and I told him the guest that I had invited to dinner. He asked me if I thought I was pregnant when I picked up the test. I also told him that was for the guest. He said that he would be pulling guard duty for work that night for which I replied no he wasn’t because his girlfriend was coming to dinner. I was just trying to see which way he went.
I live in a sorority and half the girls think they’re pregnant and the other girls want to partake in the act that makes you pregnant and cheap wine helps. The rib eye steak is to feed my pet alligator and the vegetarian pizza I’m going to give to the homeless family that used to live down the street but now are living in their RV at the park.