Starting out, math always seems like fun and games. “Just try it. If you don’t like it you can quit.” But math abuse has dangerous consequences:

• Math damages the brain’s social communication cortex.
• Math causes failing eyesight, hair loss, and metabolic changes- both corpulence and cachexia are associated.
• Math addiction destroys relationships through loss of libido, isolationism and anti-social behavior.
• Math addiction has been fatal in 100% of lifetime users.

The Faces of Math

The facts:

• By the time they reach the tenth grade, half of US teens have tried math themselves. Fully 75% know someone who does math at least once a week.



• “Sure I tried a little trig in High School, everyone was doing it. It wasn’t until college that I really got hooked on the hard stuff.” - Mary H. (recovering math addict)
• In most US colleges, math is freely available to those who seek it out.
• “I ran a math lab out of my dad’s garage. I wouldn’t have gotten busted except I let math junkies hang around and the neighbors complained.” - Charles B. (8 years, Jackson State Prison)
• Highly-addicted math-using teens are known to seek out ‘math bowls’, where they compete to see who can use the most math. Math-addicted adults are known to video tape these occasions and upload them so other adult users can take pleasure from this deplorable debacle.

“I got my hands on some extreme Goldbach, and G was hard to find at any price. Anyhow, I crashed the car into a tree, too zoned out to even know or care. That’s how mom found out I wasn’t the sweet and innocent little girl she thought I was.” - Jenny M. - (rehab patient x 3) [editor's note, 'G' refers to Goldbach's conjecture: a dangerously powerful imported math]

Tell-Tale Signs Your Kid is on Math

The 7 warning signs of math addiction in young people

• Shakes uncontrollably in the presence of the opposite sex.
• Sequesters him/herself for long periods, alone, ’studying’.
• Has multiple library cards and deletes browsing history on home computer.
• Keeps a stash (often under a mattress) of homework.
• Seems distracted and avoids social functions.
• Doesn’t seem to enjoy outdoor activities.
• Refuses to watch sports on TV.

“I run a computer store at the mall. You could always tell the math-heads. They wanted lots of RAM and storage, but they didn’t care about graphics cards or joysticks. I refused to sell any ‘hotshots’ [editor's note, hotshots are slang for pirated Algol scripts on CD], and if they asked, I kicked them out.” - Bennie R. (owner, Rocket Computers)

Is Your Spouse on Math?

“He seemed so distant. Our love life was on the rocks and he didn’t seem to notice. I thought it might be another woman, until I found a treatise on topological morphism under the seat of his car. Things are better now, after the divorce, but I still worry about him.” - Marion R. (husband’s whereabouts unknown)

“We went to Amsterdam for her aunt’s wedding. That stuff is legal over there. She must have made some sort of connection, because she spent her days doing math with a guy on the Internet. The only thing I can do is keep hoping. Hoping the therapy takes this time. I can’t trust her. (weeps)” - Name witheld by request.

Treatment Options

Q & A with a Holistic Math Therapist

Doctor (not medical, but as he says, “…perfectly legitimate.” ) Jay Martin treats math addicts with controversial intervention techniques of his own design.

Q: Is math addiction treatable? And if so, how?

A: I use the A&W method. It’s harsh, but the idea is to get them out of the clouds, get them grounded as soon as possible and get them in touch with a larger reality.

Q: A&W?

A: Yes. Cheap beer and prostitutes. Well, it came to be called alcohol and whores- A&W.

Q: And you confine your patients in a motel room for the course of the treatment?

A: I get legal documents. Power of attorney and so on. I haven’t yet been successfully prosecuted in this state.

Q: I see. And what is your success rate?

A: It’s a tough business, success rates aren’t really a good metric. People pay me. That’s a good measurement.

This Public Service Announcement brought to you and written by Bill Morrison - freelance writing professional and loving parent of math-addicted daughter, Pookie J, (pictured above)

If you have a math house in your neighborhood, report it below, and be sure to provide maximum details for the authorities. Or, share your math tragedies with our math addiction support group:

Mothers Against Math-Addicted Students, Brainiacs, or Youth (MAMASBOY)

After years of effort, Texas has finally gained independence and become a country in its own right. You’ve been appointed the first U.S. ambassador to the new nation of Texas. Write a report to the Secretary of State telling her what Texas is like now. Who is their leader? Are the Texans peaceful or warlike? Should we enter into a trade agreement with them?  What’s silly and what’s scary?  It’s all up to you!

You are working at a bed and breakfast. One morning everything seems to be going to hell in a hand basket. The highest paying customer has just demanded breakfast in bed–immediately! The famous politician in the haunted room claims to have had sex with a ghost the night before and wants you to come photograph the bed sheets as evidence before they dry off. The journalist whose review could make or break your little B&B is complaining because he wants an unabridged Roset’s Thesaurus in his room. To top it all off, the cook has gone home with a toothache, the owner’s dog just peed on the floor of the entry way, and that priceless vase your owner likes to brag about is probably worth a lot less since your cats just smashed it in a spirited game of hide and seek. How do you make this entire mess come out right?

You overhear someone you thought was a friend talking serious trash about you behind your back, telling your entire office that you sleep with anything with a heartbeat and have the nastiest toilet this side of Big Joe’s Booze, Pool and Mud Rastlin. Obviously, revenge is the only option. How do you get back at her?

Every year, two towns have a feud about the first signs of spring. One town relies on the first sounds of spring peepers. The other town relies upon whether or not a groundhog sees his shadow. Explain which town is right, and what Al Gore would say to support the winning argument.

You wake up on a beautiful Saturday morning to find your partner glaring down at you and brandishing a “honey do” list. You’ve run out of excuses for postponing all your home improvement projects…unless you can convince your sweetie that the outcome of your efforts will be dire. Pick a home improvement project and explain why completing it would be a terrible idea. Walls collapsing from the weight of a new roof? Tetanus from a nailed thumb? The end of life as we know it from who knows what? Be as convincing as you can. Your lazy Saturday depends on it.

The publishing world is facing a crisis: a worldwide ink shortage caused by the overuse of commas in newspapers and periodicals. It’s up to you to educate the public about this tragic situation and propose a comma-elimination solution. Write an article telling your readers how to conserve as much ink as possible. Use the word “footstool” at least three times and remember–no commas!

You’ve got a friend who likes to think she’s an expert on every subject under the sun. Whatever the topic, she jumps right in and dominates the conversation. One night you’re at a party and a male friend is talking about his recent surgery. Naturally, your friend is right there. “Oh, yes, I remember when I had my prostate surgery,” she declares loudly. “It was awful!” Assuming you can keep a straight face, what do you say?

You’ve achieved the fourth and final round of interviews for a cushy job that would allow you to spend most of the day surfing the internet, talking in chat rooms, and instant messaging your jealous friends. The office loves you and your superb resume, and they even laugh heartily at all of your jokes. There’s only one catch. The final interview includes a background check to get the job, and three years ago you were arrested for stealing a priceless antique Rolex watch off the corpse of your despised ninety year old Uncle Virgil. How will you explain this to your potential employer?

THE OPTIMISM IN THE CURRENT WORLD IS VERY SERIOUS PROBLEM. EACH AND EVERY NATION SHOULD TAKE EFFECTIVE STEPS TO DEMOLISH THE OPTIMISM IT WILL GIVE THE PEACE AND SAFE FOR THE PEOPLE