Humankind is in terrible danger. Aliens from a distant galaxy are about to wipe out the human race with the help of portable mp3 players. At great personal risk, you’ve spent the last six months spying on the aliens and have discovered that they are on the verge of launching a massive attack. Now it’s time to brief the leader of the human army. Describe the aliens’ nefarious plans and suggest the best way to defend ourselves…before it’s too late!
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There is a serious rift in the entomology community. Half the learned scientists believe that butterflies are beautiful, innocent flying insects. The other half believe that they are evil alien invaders who have come to take over the world. Only you, the head of the Entomology Society, can resolve this dispute. Which side do you come down on and why?
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Bigfoot has finally been captured, but instead of being treated with dignity and respect, he is immediately employed as the host of a gimmick cooking show on the Food Network.
Only one problem: Bigfoot can’t cook! Canceling the show is not an option, since Bigfoot is under contract for the next five years. You’re called in as a consultant to try to save the day.
What advice do you give? What savory yet simple recipes should Bigfoot try?
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I’ve always been and always will be an optimist. There’s nothing I detest more than a negative person. The energy that’s wasted being negative could be used for so much more. If you look hard enough, no matter the situation you can find a positive outcome.
I wake up in the morning, tell myself it’s gonna be a great day and most of the time it is. I’ve been blessed by being born in the greatest nation in the world and that alone gives me my optimism for each day I live. All I have to do is turn on the news and I am ashamed of myself for any negative or “poor pitiful me” thought I have. I try not to surround myself with negative people, but that’s impossible. When I encounter them, I try to take charge of the situation, not by being a dictator, but by charm.
I love living, which was a free gift from God, and don’t understand why others want allow themselves to enjoy it also.
– Susan from Atlanta
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The future year is 2450. Humans no longer wear clothes, tattoos, jewelry, or body piercings. The only way we have to express ourselves is to cut our hair – which has once more covered our bodies – to resemble certain objects, much like shrubbery trimmed into the shape of animals. Put on your future visioning goof hat.
What shape is your hair and why? What is considered conservative, and how do the 2450 punks wear their hair?
If you want to go all out, make up some words for future hair styles, grooming tools, hair products, etc. Have fun, future visioners!
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You know those horrible dreams where you’re standing in front of all your co-workers wearing nothing but ratty underwear? Well, this time it isn’t a dream! You wake up to find you really have come to work in nothing but distressed boxers. How did you get into this situation and how on earth do you get out of it?
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Goldfish are everywhere–in your doctor’s fish tank, in your kid’s fishbowl, in the neighbor’s backyard pond, and in every pet store you enter. Now goldfish want to run for public office and they’ve hired you to advance their cause. Explain how having a goldfish in power will change society for the better.
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There are at least 888 words in the English language that end in “ism”.
I became interested in isms and how we use them in our every-day lives when I recently watched the 1938 film, You Can’t Take it With You, during which the main character, Martin Vanderhof, played by Lionel Barrymore (Drew’s grandfather) gives quite an interesting diatribe on the usefulness of isms in our modern culture:
Grandpa Vanderhof:“Penny, Why don’t you write a play about ism-mania?”
Penny Sycamore:“Ism-mania?”
Grandpa Vanderhof:“Yeah, sure. You know, communism, fascism, voodooism. Everybody’s got an ‘ism’ these days.”
Penny Sycamore:“I thought it was an itch or something.”
Grandpa Vanderhof:“It’s just as catching. When things go a little bad now days, you go out and get yourself an ‘ism’ and you’re in business.”
Penny Sycamore:“I’ve got it: it might help Cynthia to have an ‘ism’ in the monastery!”
Grandpa Vanderhof:“It might at that. Only give her an Americanism. Let her know something about Americans. John Paul Jones, Patrick Henry, Samuel Adams, Washington, Jefferson, Monroe, Lincoln, Grant, Lee, Edison and Mark Twain. When things got tough for those boys, they didn’t run around looking for isms. Lincoln said, ‘With malice towards none, with charity to all’. Now days they say ‘think the way I do or I’ll bomb the daylights out of you’.”
I was in an attentive frame of mind when I saw YCTIWY, which always makes me think I have a certain amount of extra clarity. When I saw this scene, my so-called clarity proudly announced: 1938 isn’t as far removed from today as I thought it was. [click to continue…]
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Starting out, math always seems like fun and games. “Just try it. If you don’t like it you can quit.” But math abuse has dangerous consequences:
“I got my hands on some extreme Goldbach, and G was hard to find at any price. Anyhow, I crashed the car into a tree, too zoned out to even know or care. That’s how mom found out I wasn’t the sweet and innocent little girl she thought I was.” – Jenny M. – (rehab patient x 3) [editor's note, 'G' refers to Goldbach's conjecture: a dangerously powerful imported math]
“I run a computer store at the mall. You could always tell the math-heads. They wanted lots of RAM and storage, but they didn’t care about graphics cards or joysticks. I refused to sell any ‘hotshots’ [editor's note, hotshots are slang for pirated Algol scripts on CD], and if they asked, I kicked them out.” – Bennie R. (owner, Rocket Computers)
“He seemed so distant. Our love life was on the rocks and he didn’t seem to notice. I thought it might be another woman, until I found a treatise on topological morphism under the seat of his car. Things are better now, after the divorce, but I still worry about him.” – Marion R. (husband’s whereabouts unknown)
“We went to Amsterdam for her aunt’s wedding. That stuff is legal over there. She must have made some sort of connection, because she spent her days doing math with a guy on the Internet. The only thing I can do is keep hoping. Hoping the therapy takes this time. I can’t trust her. (weeps)” – Name witheld by request.
Doctor (not medical, but as he says, “…perfectly legitimate.” ) Jay Martin treats math addicts with controversial intervention techniques of his own design.
Q: Is math addiction treatable? And if so, how?
A: I use the A&W method. It’s harsh, but the idea is to get them out of the clouds, get them grounded as soon as possible and get them in touch with a larger reality.
Q: A&W?
A: Yes. Cheap beer and prostitutes. Well, it came to be called alcohol and whores- A&W.
Q: And you confine your patients in a motel room for the course of the treatment?
A: I get legal documents. Power of attorney and so on. I haven’t yet been successfully prosecuted in this state.
Q: I see. And what is your success rate?
A: It’s a tough business, success rates aren’t really a good metric. People pay me. That’s a good measurement.
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I am hapy that I have wonderful children who wake up with smiles on their faces. That’s always a good way to start the day 
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